This comes down extra hard on me because of what has already happened this week.
Losing AliciaArchery in a senseless head-on crash caused by a texting driver started the ball rolling. Then on Wednesday, the young lady I had been dating last winter and this spring hit a deer with her Harley while out on a Memorial Ride. She was killed instantly. The morning after an impromptu wake with a huge crowd of Ashley's friends, I find Icarus gone.
When it rains, it pours, they always say.
Thank God I have a lot of hard road miles on me. I have "seen the elephant" before. I understand that my thoughts will be dark and wracked with guilt. I know that waves of grief will threaten to pull me under with no warning. Like I said, been there, done that, wore out the reunion tshirt. I know I will not get over any of these losses, and I don't want to. I won't even fight it, I will ride it. Then I will eventually find a measure of familiarity and comfort with that grief. It becomes woven into the fabric of the tapestry that is my life. There is nothing wrong with grieving, there is nothing wrong with that hurt. It simply measures how much and how well you have loved and cared.
Last night I got a call from the man that Ashley has been dating for the last few months. Tom put a glow in her face and sparks in her eyes like no one had ever before! I knew this was the real deal for the both of them and it made me very happy to watch their relationship grow in leaps and bounds. You see, I was in Tom's shoes 27 years ago. Essentially the same damned situation. And I didn't deal with it, cope with it, handle it, or nothing. Twenty years of trying to tamp it down poisoned my career(s), my marriage, and my life. Seven years of working it out with intermittent professional help just in time to be there for Tom. So I guess that is "why" enough for me. All that, just so I can keep him from making my mistakes all over again, maybe. And it's enough.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my desire to find my own redemption. I would rather help others find it for themselves. I guess, that will have to serve as mine. Gonna stop here, both because of the policy on religion and my own deep seated lack of faith in faith. I said far, far more than I ever meant to on the subject anyway.
