Fury

[Knoll]

Dharma, I feel like you are holding something back. Tell us how you really feel. This is a safe place.

    

[Dharma]

Ha ha ha! Hey, I just call 'em as I see 'em! I lived four years in Hollywood in a building full of wanna-be actors and actresses and wanna-be indy filmmakers. The rent was cheap. But it was also entertaining. I was the only one that had an actual job. This one night, I'm sitting on the stoop having a smoke, new guy in the building, and everyone's hanging out when I hear this one dude talking about "getting a head shot". I'm thinking, what, this guy hunts?! With what? So I asked him, hey man, what's this head shot you're talking about? You a hunter? I might as well have asked him if he was a fugitive Nazi war criminal. "NO! That's a despicable thing! A head shot is a photo of me taken by a professional photographer to send to the studios and casting agencies!" Oh, I see! Well, dude, where I come from a "head shot" is something else. So, sorry for the mix-up. They asked "So what do you do?" What do I do?? "Yeah, do you act, do you sing? What?" Oh! That! No, I'm an electrical equipment repairman. "Until what?" Until what what? "Until you make the break?" The break to what? "The movies? Singing?" Well, I ain't sang since I was in church the last time. Oh, wait! You think...you think I'm here because I'm trying to break into show business, is that right? No, no, no, I'm only here because of the same reason as the Armenians and Russians in this neighbourhood. The rent's cheap. That's why I go over to their apartments for dinner, you see. They know how to cook. And they're not vegetarians like you guys. No offense. But the lentil loaf, well, it looked like an adobe brick.

Then Head Shot Man had this "film party" at his place and invites everyone. He says, you gotta come, be cool. Free food. Free beer. Free beer? Free food? Ok. But if I had known the free food was inedible (vegetarian) and the free beer still had a HUGE price tag attached (watching a lame indy film) I wouldn't have gone. This dude has got these shelves of books all over the place and I look at the titles. "Bridge Engineering", "Civil Engineering" and so on. I says, hey man, what, are you an engineer? "Why, no. I bought those from Books By The Yard to decorate my apartment. It's part of my image." Your image? "Why, yes, a good actor has to project an image." I see. Hey, what happened to the rest of the beer? I need one. I look and see these old photos of dudes in Austrio-Hungarian army uniforms, old Italian matrons and so on so I made the mistake of asking him if those were his kinfolks. He says, "Why, no. I got those photos from the antique store they're---" Part of your image, right. But, look here man, why do you have photos of other peoples' ancestors in here? How do you know these people aren't war criminals or something. Look at this picture of this guy right here in the Waffen SS uniform, for example. I think this guy is wanted for wiping out villages over in France. "Makes no difference. It's part of my image." Yeah, but for what, a war movie? "No, actually, I am vying for a leading role in a romantic comedy at the moment." Yeah, you're a real funny guy. They ought to give you the role. "You think?" Oh, sure. Just show them your "kinfolks" right here. Dad's a colonel in the Waffen SS, what's not to love and laugh about that?

Then the indy film resumes and it's about this guy who travels all over Manhatten by subway to borrow 20 bucks. Two hours of this whiner and 8 beers later, I'm seeing I wasted another evening. But, no, we're not done yet. This chick breaks out a guitar and starts up an acoustic version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. That was a long night.

[Danzn Bar]

Wow....................

[Dharma]

Well, after acoustic versions of such greats as "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Holiday In Cambodia", they moved on to a game of "Truth Or Dare" using matches. I learned more about these people than I cared to. Who knew there were so many people that liked to dress up in 18th century lingerie? These people had the entire script of Dangerous Liaisons memorized by heart and, evidently, recited it to one another at moonlight moments up in Griffith Park. Among other things. When they ran out of matches, they began to discuss if they had enough Jell-O to fill a small inflatable wading pool one produced for fun and games. There's always room for Jell-O, I guess. I decided to leave at that point.

[Zuma]

Just  a memory similar to yours Dharma.
It's war related though. lol
When I came home from SEA dirt bikes were the rage.
I had a Honda Scrambler I bought in Hawaii to see the
back woods part of the islands on.
So I move in to share rent, a dive with a friend from work.
He is an enginering student and Lee is tool and die maker.
Both fearless on their Bulltacos and Montessas. (sp)
Anyway they had a welcome party for me with a group of
basically Hippy puffers. I was on my eighth beer when one puffer
said I can't understand war? He said he was a baker and he would give John bread if he would play some music. John started to play his guitar and hum.
Then he said Mary is a nurse and can give gauze and drugs if she gets some bread or entertainment. So on and so on. As I reached for my ninth, I asked ---
What about Waldo who won't do a expletive thing.
I was floored. The entire group actually stood up and unanimously shouted--
"Kill him". So much for Flower Power. lol
Zuma

[Dharma]

LOL! These folks were pretty bohemian and this one night they were talking and I mentioned something in passing about when I was with the 101st Airborne. They said, you were in the army??! I said, yeah, well, hair grows back you know. My hair was pretty long by this time. So Head Shot man says, "I want to ask you some questions. I'm trying out for a role in a war movie." I says, hey man, what happened to the romantic comedy? "I didn't get the part. I was too serious, they said." Well, here's what you need to do in order to pull this role off for a war movie. You need to get rid of all those engineering books and replace them with books about military history. You're going to have to find new ancestor photos. No one is going to dig that photo of the Waffen SS dude. Wrong army, unless you're going to play a German. "Really?" Yeah, really. Then you've got to get into the role. Stop sleeping in your bed. Go sleep in the courtyard, especially when it rains. Eat cold Spagetti-O's out of a can, but only once a day. Stop riding the bus. Walk everywhere. "Why?" Oh, just because. Oh, and stop bathing. "My girlfriend won't like it." Yeah, well, neither will anyone else. And about weapons---"Oh, I abhor weapons! I never touch them." Wait, you're going to be in a war movie but you can't hold a weapon? What war movie is this? "Santa Claus's Army Versus The Easter Bunny Brigade"? Come on, man. "I just need to know how to act the part. Yeah, and I'm tellin' you but you won't listen. "I think you're drunk." So? You're the dude who asked now you complain about my state of consciousness? Let's get back to weapons. "What about them?" They're darn useful in a pinch. Especially walking down Hollywood Blvd at 1am. "You do that?!" Only armed. See what I mean? "Is that legal?" Who cares? What's the name of this movie you're trying out for? "I can't say. Other people sitting here might try to steal my role." Oh, I see. Why don't you go talk to Vlad down the street? That guy was a tanker in the Soviet Army. "Vlad doesn't talk to me. He only talks to you." That's because he doesn't like vegetarians. He told me. Start eating meat. It'll solve a lot of problems. Especially at dinner parties. No one likes high-maintenance guests, always whining about vegetarian options, then the ultra-orthodox vegetarians, you know, vegans. You people can't even eat meatloaf for pete's sake and no one can really call that meat in all honesty. It's like the grandfather of Hamburger Helper or at least the uncle no one talks about in polite company. What a chore it is to try and please you folks at a dinner party. All you do is drink up all the beer and I don't hear you complaining about the poor innocent microbes you're killing doing that. "Beer is vegetarian." No one is denying that. But it's for washing down a thick steak, cooked nice and rare with blood dripping off the plate, your hands all awash in blood off the plate, and you lick it off your wrists before it can run to your elbows and----

Dude puked. He decided he'd try out for another romantic comedy.

[Zuma]

I kinda though you and Jdub were kin.

[Dharma]

Head Shot dude finally landed a role in a TV commercial. I can't remember, I think he was Chuck E. Cheese or something. He had another film party and showed it to everyone over and over again. "Look! Look! There I am! Look!" Dude, all I see is a big, fat rat. Sorry. Look man, a robot could pull that off. Maybe if they do a remake of Willard or something, then maybe this will pay off. "Have you been into liquor cabinet?" Didn't know you had one. Where is it? "I'm just saying this is my big break! And you're making fun of it!" I'm not making fun of it. In all honesty, you make a good rat. Or is it a mouse? Well, ok, it's some rodent. Fine. You make a great rodent. You ought to get an Academy Award for it. Makes me want to run out, order a pizza and play video games. Then Acoustic Guitar chick tells him, "Pay no attention to him. He doesn't mean it. He suffered a head injury in the army. He told me one night." I said, hey what's the meaning of this? Read thousands of books and no one remembers. But mention one little head injury and everyone thinks you're off your rocker. She said, "Then say nice things about his TV commercial starring role." I did! I said the dude makes a nice rat! Or mouse. Rodent. Whatever. She says, "How many beers have you had?" Hey, this is still America where a man can say what's on his mind without being accused of having been into the sippin' whiskey. She says, "Well, you're in rare form tonight." I'm always in rare form. That's how I like my steaks, too. Rare and bloody and dang near raw and---" "Ok, ok, let's get back to watching his commercial." But we've seen it fifty times already! Let's flip on the TV and watch some reruns of Bonanza. "No! Too much gun violence!", she says. Yeah, I know. That's why it's worth watching.

[Danzn Bar]

Wow... again......
DBar

[JacksonCash]

I got my wife to watch Band of Brothers - just finished it last night, and she said that maybe she does want to go see Fury. If it is still playing this weekend, we're going to go.

No stories about hippy neighbors. Sorry to disappoint.

[Dharma]

Mac Davis once sung this song that went "Happiness Is Lubbock, Texas In My Rear View Mirror". But he was wrong. Happiness is Los Angeles, California in your rear view mirror.

[JacksonCash]

Been there twice, and don't care to go back.