Some "TLE's", or, Typical Life Experiences I have heard tell of and will share:
1.) Any time you open your door, flies and mosquitoes will pour in by the droves, almost as if they were waiting for you to open the door. However, they will never go back outside when you open the door again.
2.) After you finally get all the flies and mosquitoes in the house killed, within 10 minutes, someone else in the house will open the door again, saying, "We need just a little fresh air in here!" You mean fresh flies and mosquitoes...
3.) If you have a screen door to let in fresh air but keep out flies and mosquitoes, it goes without saying that even brand-new, there will be a hole in it the size of a pea. Flies and mosquitoes will always find this hole and pour into the house like Hannibal crossing the Alps.
4.) Even if you cover the hole in the screen with a piece of tape, everyone will tear it off, including door-to-door salesmen. "You had a piece of tape stuck to the door, so I took it off for you." Gee...thanks...
5.) John Q. Smith had a problem with mice in the house and traps were not working. So he got a cat. Cat ignores mice and, instead, claws a $3000 leather couch, reducing it to a $30 couch at Our Lady of Mercy Thrift Store. John decides to get a 8 foot python to eat the mice. Python ignores mice and eats cat. Mice go unabated and python spends the day looking for another cat.
6.) Bill Q. Citizen gets up every morning and makes breakfast that includes toast. Every morning, he butters the bread and it accidently falls to the floor right on the buttered side. He tells his friend, "See the luck I have? Every morning I butter my toast and it falls on the floor butter-side down, making a mess to wipe up. I must be on a bad luck streak." One day, Bill drops the toast and it does not fall on the buttered side. He's thrilled and tells his friend, "My luck has changed for the better! I dropped my toast this morning and it didn't fall on to the buttered side!" His friend tells him, "That's where you're wrong. You didn't butter it on the right side."
7.) Any restaurant that advertises a dinner special that sounds too good to be true isn't lying. They really do offer a 1 pound porterhouse steak, baked potato, vegetables, salad, and a drink for $7.95. But they will always be out of it when you order.
8.) Everyone has the ability to be a great rainmaker. Your garden is parched? You need rain? Easily solved. Roll all the windows down on your car and leave valuable, irreplaceable papers and documents on the front seat.
9.) You're driving a two-lane road and stuck behind a motorhome doing 20 miles under the speed limit. You wait for miles and miles for the opportunity to pass safely and finally pull it off in triumph! One minute later, someone in the car needs to stop and use the bathroom. You pull off at a gas station, they use the bathroom, and you hit the road again. At which point, some minutes later, you're back behind that same motorhome again.
10.) You rent a motorhome to go on a trip with your spouse. "This'll save money!" But after you tally it all up, you discover you paid much more than if you stayed in a nice hotel and ate at cool restaurants and weren't next to a converted school bus full of didgeridoo-playing hippies with 10 wandering dogs at the RV campground.
11.) You decide to avoid the crowds and heat and see the Grand Canyon in winter. You arrive, pay the $20 admission fee and guess what you see? Clouds. All covering the canyon. Just a solid blanket of clouds.
12.) John Q. Citizen lamented the high price of meat. One day, he saw a guy on the roadside selling beef from a reefer truck. Now instead of paying $6.99 a pound at the store, he can pay $3.99 a pound. But he's got to buy a minimum of 50 pounds. Ok, says John, the rest of the family likes beef so it's worth the major dent to the wallet to get this good price. John comes home proud of his bargain and wants to announce it to his wife and kids. Before he can say a word, they proudly announce they've all become vegetarians today.
13.) Jim Bob McFeeney spent years finding his long-lost brother. He finally finds him, a certain Mr. Edward Joe McFeeney. Jim Bob calls him for the first time, his heart thumping with the anticipation of an emotional reunion. Jim Bob pours out his heart to Edward Joe, finally asking, "What do you have to say, Eddie Joe, talking to your long-lost brother after 15 years?" "Uhhhh.....well, Jim Bob, do you reckon I could borrow $150 from ya?"
14.) Billy McWhortle has had his eye on this brand spanking new red sports car for quite some time. He tells his wife about this and keeps saying, "You know, baby, I'd love that car for my birthday." Over and over again he tells her this and even leaves brochures on the car from the sales lot on the dinner table. On his birthday, she sends him to the store for a gallon of milk and he comes home and see a huge birthday ribbon festooned across the closed garage door. He rushes into the house and his wife says, "Your birthday present is in the garage, honey. It's red, it runs on gas, the dealer said it was the best on the lot, and I really want to see you using it." Bill rushes out to the garage, excited to see his new sports car, and presses the automatic door opener. The door opens to reveal a shiny new red lawnmower.
