This might come across as a bit harsh, but here goes. A person needs to make a commitment to personal safety and that might involve some discomfort firing a weapon with recoil that hurts the hand a bit. But when you go to the dentist, that doesn't feel especially good, either. But you do it because the alternative isn't so pleasant. A handgun is actually not the most effective weapon for personal defense, it just happens to be the most concealable and easy to use. So, go with the biggest calibre you can fire and at least put rounds center mass at 15 feet no matter how it feels to the hand. When you're in a life-threatening situation, you won't remember the recoil, you'll only be thanking the Creator you survived and glad you had the weapon. When confronted by someone threatening your life, you'll wish you had an M-60. You "train up" to weapons, you don't give up. The army taught women to fire M-1911A1s in .45ACP, so it can be done. The army points out that your life depends on your weapon, so you have to put in the sweat equity to deal with the discomfort.
If a situation requires producing a weapon, that means you use it once the weapon is produced. That means your weapon needs to be capable of dropping whoever this is threatening your life. Otherwise, you could end up having the weapon taken away and used against you. No one wants to have to take a life, but that's what you must be prepared to do. And to reach that conclusion, the weapon needs to be effective and loaded with the best available ammo. Not trying to be hardnosed about this, but if a weapon is uncomfortable to shoot because it's a higher calibre, but you can still dump rounds center mass, that is the weapon to use. Like I said, you're not going to remember the recoil if you have to use it to defend yourself.
A back-up weapon is also a good idea. Pepper spray is great. So is a good knife if you learn how to use it and where to use it. In states where Asps are legal, this is another great weapon. Asps have a track record hard to beat. So does pepper spray. Electric weapons such as stun guns aren't effective.
Women are targeted more than men and need to be armed better than men, IMHO.