Dear Olde Farte Customer,
Nobody since high school has galled me the way you have recently. However, since I cannot allow one bad customer to impinge on the enjoyment of my business, I have chosen to forgive you. And to a lesser extent, to pray for you, although sincerity in both endeavors may be somewhat lacking.
Do not take this as an offer for a free dimmer switch. You will never see me again. Please do not contact me in any manner. I will not speak to you again. I don't even want an apology anymore. You are forgiven. If, after reading this letter and paying Russell, you feel the need to atone, just make a donation to a charity of your choice.
I will attempt to tabulate for your benefit what it is I am forgiving you for, since my operating assumption is that you are utterly clueless. I doubt it is a comprehensive list, as my memory is not great, and you have been frequently rude as well as prodigiously ungrateful.
I gave you a subpanel for less than $500, as a favour to you, even though the going rate is a flat $1000. I made several extra trips to your house, as a favour to you, even though my bid stipulated 2 for rough-in, and 2 for finishing. I even came at short notice one evening so as not to disrupt your drywall schedule. On this enchanted evening, you accused me of not wiring a receptacle in the mud room. When I proved that I had indeed installed the receptacle, you had an opportunity to apologize. Instead, you proceeded to accuse me of not properly spacing the box. I showed that I had properly spaced the box. Again you could have apologized, but you chose to proceed to the next accusation. This time you claimed I had not run a wire for a switch to control the light above the bookshelf. You insisted I didn't run it, and that you hadn't touched it. It took me over 2 hours to prove once again that I did my job properly, and that you had illegally and dangerously tampered with the wiring. Still no apology. You allowed that you were embarrassed, which is as close as you got to being a man. I would have been well within my rights to charge you 2 hours of overtime for that fiasco, plus the cost of replacing the pants I ripped in your attic, but I took pity on an old fool of a man and charged only my regular rate, as a favour to you. A $200 value for $100. And how did you thank me? By stiffing Russell. I upgraded your 3gang box and the 2 switches in it to decora (to match your fan switch), at an extra cost to myself of about $20, as a favour to you. I could go on, but I think you get the picture.
Thankfully Russell is an honorable man, and has paid all my bills. I hope you don't stiff him again.
Please accept my apologies for leaving your smoke detector in the mailbox. I hope you don't mind plugging it in yourself, as I don't trust myself to be civil with you any longer. I can forgive you, but I can't recharge my patience so easily.
I also ask your forgiveness for no longer respecting you as a person. Not terribly christian of me, is it?
I do not ask your forgiveness for refusing to do you one more favour, vis a vis the dimmer you feel so entitled to. I will pray for your sense of entitlement, and am saddened that it has probably cost you more friendships than mine. I am confident that your obvious expertise in all things will see you through the task of going to the store and installing your own dimmer switch. Make sure you ask for a "3way" dimmer, and if you are putting it in the 3gang box, remember to get decora. Don't get a dimmer for the other switch controlling the same lights, because they will fight with each other. That's some free advice I'm giving as one last favour to you, undeserving though you are.
My usual philosophy regarding obnoxious people is that they don't intend to be obnoxious, but rather lack in self-awareness or social skills. Sometimes the self-assurance neccessary to be a jerk comes from a lifetime of pedagogy, or the self-righteousness of belonging to the "right" branch of an organized religion. These are slippery slopes that anybody could fall down, that is why I generously forgive you. I will pray for you to be healed of these afflictions.
I hope you will read this letter more than once, and maybe even keep it, so that when you feel yourself becoming insufferable, you can revisit it as an exercise in humility. I humbly submit you could use some help in this regard.
Wishing you well this Easter,
Garett
